Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
