well I can't set my house on fire every night
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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