You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
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