i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I want to fling myself into the sun
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
