I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
We're too hungover to prance.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize