tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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