Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
