got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize