The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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