She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
