forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
that may or may not have been my penis.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize