I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
