On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Buhtt sex?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
