How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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