this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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