can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
