I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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