I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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