i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
