After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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