My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I need a burrito and a hug.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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