I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
