We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
