News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
