I wish I could teleport
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
