you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
