Someone shit on the floor
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
