I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
