Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
