There was a lot of him and a little penis
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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