I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
