the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
