I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
