If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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