The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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