why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
