At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
