She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize