Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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