My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
