the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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