so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
