apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
