FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
