guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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