i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
