If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
