Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
