Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
