When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
