Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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