I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
