So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
