why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
