he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
high people should be assigned attendants
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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