I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
