It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
